I am glad that the words are finding a home in a common thread of IC, although it does make me sad to know that we have met because our bladders are filled with sadness and stabbing pain. My IC journals are filled with chicken scratch handwriting as it seemed that the constant vaginal and bladder pain prevented me from even holding my pen the same way that I had prior to IC. If I've never written this in a blog before let me say it now: my IC pain consisted of incessant, severe stabbing pain within my vagina, and a bladder that felt too small, raw and filled with sandy grit whenever it filled with urine. I spent countless nights crying on the toilet, wondering why I could only have five minutes without pain directly after urinating, and how sitting on the toilet could make me feel better (was it gravity or my posture or some other unexplained reason?).
I flipped to the back cover of my journal and my bladder and my heart clinched as one into an involuntary squeeze of sadness: a pencil drawing that I had forgotten about , myself naked and crying with a large safety pin piercing through my vagina and bladder, my bare feet standing next to flowers withering away. My long hair curling into snarls in the wind. As I look closer I see tiny ripples in the page that are slightly raised from the rest of the page. Tears that fell years ago, finding their companion with the pencil figure, now long since dried out.
If my bladder could speak to you today it would say to never give up hope in finding ways of making your bladder better. There exist many avenues in the world of IC that simply did not exist ten or even five years ago. One good and supportive friend is better than ten insensitive ones, so stick with your one good friend and tell them thank you with since gratitude. If your partner makes the journey along with you and your IC their love is written in the sands of time. Love them. Thank them. Let everyone know of their commitment and grace because it is so easy to leave someone with IC, but it it truly the better person who stays for the long haul. (N., I thank you again in this post for your love of me and your trust that I could improve my IC on my own terms, with the doctors and treatments of my choosing.) And to everyone who reads my blogs: thank you and I will strive to be an even better bladder blogger in 2011. My bladder is telling me that there is always room for letting things go with the flow.